5. Varsity Blues
We start off this count down of “The best football movies not titled Rudy from the 90s” with one of the most played out films of all time, “Varsity Blues”. From Mox’s struggles, to Lance’s injury, to Tweeder’s stupidity, and also Billy Bob’s fatness, Varsity Blues may be the last great high school football movie we will ever see. And I say that out of desperation, because with the way things are now, it seems like 95 pound actors playing wizards and vampires may deem themselves as “Too Cool” for the whole sports scene thing. Damn Emo’s. Well, back to the matter at hand. Varsity Blues is corny, but it did introduce us to the whipped crème bikini, high schooler’s at strip clubs, and pain killers being forced into an athlete’s body like vitamins. Not bad for a film whose main star was a cupcake-soft softy from the show “Dawson’s Creek.”
On the flip side: Jon Voight haunts my dreams. Not really related to the post, but I just felt that I should put it out there in terms of how freaky this guy is. If I had to choose between being stuck on an island for a day with Jon Voight or being responsible for sponge bathing Billy Bob for a month everyday after his double session practices… I’d say pass me a sponge with a smile.
4. Little Giants
Go ahead, try to knock me for putting this one on the list. You can’t, and you know you can’t. Because the secret to this movie is that Ed O’Neil is a goddamn star and he carried this movie like a pregnant horse trying to out run a lion. I mean, this was Al Bundy from “Married With Children,” aka the Polk High Football hero. These kids would have floundered like wounded pigeons leaving the nest if they didn’t have O’Neil. Now having said that, I still would rate this flick as the best Pop Warner football movie of all time. It kind of let kids like me who were too overweight to actually play the sport at the ripe age of 9 understand what it was like to be an actual athlete and strap em’ up on the grid iron. Plus, have you seen the way both Icebox and Spike hit? You couldn’t pay me enough money now to try to line up against those two monsters without having them tested for PED’s first.
3. Jerry Maguire
Knowing what we know now about Tom Cruise, is it safe to say that he was the perfect fit for this role? And I’m not talking about his high acting pedigree, or the fact that he can portray a verity of characters. I’m talking about the fact that Mr. Cruise is crazy. Like rabid dog, hungry as hell, blood thirsty on acid crazy. So for him to play a character that just completely loses it, and has to struggle with rebuilding his life, it wasn’t that far of a stretch. Another plus to the film, the character Jerry O’Connell plays in this film, Cush. It’s like having an artistic substitute of Drew Bledsoe in a movie. Which, anyway you slice it, is going to make for good cinema.
The only downfall of this flick has to be Renee Zelwegger and that little kid who played her son in this movie. Between refraining from puking because of Renee’s face and having to hear every female gush over how “cute” that little bastard was, this flick almost lost all street cred. Yea Renee, I’m not directly looking at you because of your hideousness, but hypothetically, I’m looking at you.
2. Any Given Sunday
Has there ever been a movie that has made the NFL more tight in the undies region because of the resemblance to the actual league like Any Given Sunday did? Because in reality, you can draw the parallels between the two. You’ve got doctors giving fake reports, cars getting chain sawed in half by disgruntled teammates, and hookers being used as tableware for LT to do drugs off of. Ok, well, maybe only 2 out of 3 of those scenarios can be spotted in both the player’s lives inNFL in the 90’s and Any Given Sunday, but a 2 out of 3 average isn’t bad on any platform. Furthermore, this movie brought us 2 additional nuggets that will forever be burned in the brains of whoever has watched the movie. First off, you’ve got the Steamin Willie Beamen Met-RX commercial, which if you hate for some reason, you can go jump off the side of a mountain. And you’ve also got the Al Pacino “6 inches” speech, which regardless if you like sports or not, will be sure to spark a fire under your arse and make you want to run through a brick wall as if you were Tyrone Biggums on crack. (sup Dave Chappelle)
1. The Program
Ah yes, last, but certainly not least, “The Program”. A movie so richly filled with one liners and ridiculous characters, it’s almost hard to remember that this flick actually has a plot and that it somehow involves football. From a booze bag QB, to a steroid snacking Lattimer, to the greatest promotion ADIDAS will ever unintentionally have (F*** you doughboy, I can read. See this shoe here, it says ADIDAS), The ESU Timberwolves will go down as one of the best programs that a blue chip recruit will never attend. Honestly though, if Lattimer was a real person, and was drafted into the league in the 80’s, is their any doubt that he would have broken every record in the books, including kidneys lost by a solo athlete? I know Rudy’s got heart, but he couldn’t hold this guy’s jock strap.