About a week ago when the Jam heard that the Patriots could clinch the number one seed with home field advantage throughout the playoffs with a win against the Buffalo Bills in Foxboro, we had to find a way to go. And since we aren’t granted press passes or have access to an on field reporter, we had to get to the game the old-fashioned way by purchasing tickets. And by purchasing tickets I mean pressuring and threatening our girlfriends to get at least two tickets to the game. And that’s what happened. So as the acting CEO of this shit company, I ventured to the game yesterday with my dad who wasn’t a painfully hungover Jam staff member.
12: 33 PM
After finally getting to the stadium, we decided to get some food before getting to our seats. For some reason the place where I wanted two cheeseburger’s and Cokes didn’t have anything prepared or cooked. So, the wait was long. Thirty minutes long. When I got to the front of the line I paid the woman taking my order as quickly as possible. Her hands looked filthy but I didn’t care, until she scooped ice with her fingers into my Coke. Without saying anything, I pulled the old switcheroo and gave my dad the contaminated drink while I enjoyed the clean one.
1: 17 PM
After getting situated and eating two overly cooked burgers, the Bills scored their first TD in the first four minutes of the game. I look down only to discover ketchup from my cheeseburger was all over my right knee.
With 5:19 to go, Stevie Johnson catches an 18 yard TD pass to put the Bills up 14. At first glance I thought Stevie Johnson pulled down his pants and flashed the entire end zone crowd in his celebration dance, but unfortunately he just lifted his jersey to show an unoriginal “Happy New Year” written on his under shit.
CJ Spiller scores to finish out the quarter putting the Bills up 21-0. I looked to my left and people around me are standing on their chairs, booing at the top of their lungs with both thumbs pointing down in disapproval. I look to my right and see my dad’s sneakers, only to find him standing on his seat leading the boo renegade for our section.
I decide to hit the concessions again and give the burger place another try. Waiting in line, I see Aaron Hernandez on TV high-stepping into the end-zone to narrow the lead to 21-14. Some random belligerently drunk middle-aged guy bumps into me and asks if I’ve seen Derick. Not knowing who the hell he is talking about I responded, “Ya, section 396.” He tapped me on the shoulder, said thanks, and went on his way section 396.
Brady floats a beauty of a pass to Gronk in the end-zone to put the Pats up 28-21. I notice the random belligerently drunk middle-aged guy walking up the aisle near my section looking for “Derick” still. I duck my head to hide, fearing a confrontation.
After a huge Hernandez run after the catch, the Patriots are down within the Bills 5 yard line. Being the fans that make the Gillette crowd horrible, my dad and I turn to each-other and agree to bolt if the Pats score in order to avoid traffic. Moments later, BenJarvus Green-Ellis runs in a 3 yard TD to put the Pats up 14 with 11:16 to go. Instead of celebrating, my dad and I weaved in and out of screaming fans trying to get to the exit. Walking up the aisle, we received a few “Where are you going the game isn’t over” screams from the Patriots faithful. And in a obvious coward move, I picked up my cell phone and staged a fake phone call.
3: 28 PM
Feeling great about the Patriots win and the fact that we were about to avoid hours of traffic, I randomly asked a parking lot attendant if he has ever heard of The Boston Jam. He told me to “eff myself” and keep moving. Great day.