On days like today, Facebook and Twitter are used as platforms for proclaiming self change for the new upcoming year. And if you aren’t seeking attention and are a realist knowing that nothing will change for you in the coming year, these common Facebook status filled resolutions might crack a smile on your depressed face. Drink up and agree with the following.
In 2012 I will….
1) Go to the gym more
The clear-cut number one new years resolution for everyone who wants people to tell them, “forget the gym, you look hot the way you are :).” Although going to the gym more is a way to get healthy, but starting this new initiative mid January and ending it the tale end of February will be the most likely played out scenario. Instead of going to the gym more, just eliminate third and fourth helpings instead of lying to everyone.
2) Be a better friend
The people who say this are the ones that probably stabbed a few friends, or ex friends, in the back this past year. How the hell would you be a better friend in 2012? Stick to foreplay with your besties girl instead of going all the way? Just stick to what you’re best at it and be the slimy scumbag that you are.
3) Help Others
Taking out the garbage one time for your roommate doesn’t count. Next.
4) Enjoy Life More
Everyone is depressed, you aren’t special. New Years Eve is an easy way to declare this resolution because chances are you will be wrecked off Southern Comfort and champagne and will be in a beaming mood. As a result, January 1st will consist of an entire days worth of you puking in the toilet. Life is sick.
5) Learn Something New
Lets be honest. An instrument is out of the question. More education won’t happen. And traveling is too expensive. The one thing you might learn in 2012 is how to make a new alcoholic drink or how to navigate to your favorite take out spot faster. Picking up a new drug and learning how to go to work in a stoned state of mind is highly likely too.