A topic and question that has been disputed over a million times in man’s existence was brought to the Jam’s “Writers Poll” segment this week. Thanksgiving is notorious for a few things. Food, family, seeing distant friends from high school that you thought were dead, and drinking an inappropriate amount of booze. And when you drink an inappropriate amount of booze the night before Thanksgiving, vicious unrelenting hangovers take place. Usually around family members you see once a year who notice your blood shot eyes and booze reeking breath. So instead of taking the easy way out and sticking your finger down your throat the next morning, try to tough it out and take on one of these Hangover cures that probably won’t work.
The best thing to hit the lips first thing in the morning after a rough outing has to be lemon lime flavored Gatorade. Hands down. After waking up shirtless, laying on top of a kicked Dominos meatlovers box while slowly coming to and realizing you left your credit card at the bar (not like that’s happened), there is nothing like going to the fridge and seeing one of these frosty cold bad boys starring you down in the face. It knows what you did, and you can’t help to feel ashamed to appear in this fashion before it, but you and the beverage both know that the first step to stripping away the mistakes from the night before and speaking in a normal manner again all begins with you chugging it down as if you were trying to win a brain freeze contest.
Although some of the other Jam writers have their own special unique hangover remedies, which I’m sure are quite impressive, Guar actually has a hangover remedy that is full-proof. First, most people would like to grab some water or soda to help them cure the hangover, Guar doesn’t do this. Before crushing some booze at night, Guar always thinks one step ahead and puts his hangover remedies in the refrigerator. Now one is obvious, orange Gatorade. I’m not sure if its the orange in the morning that does it, but for some reason a cold orange Gatorade after a night of boozing is the absolute bomb. However, you don’t drink all of it at once. You drink half, fill the rest with water then down the whole thing. Instead of pounding fast food as your next meal or something that your stomach will definitely hate you for digesting, Guar digests a simple liquid meal. My go to at this point is believe it or not, strawberry milk. I’ve yet to find someone that likes strawberry milk as much as me, but for some reason it just hits the spot. Guar can never eat the morning after boozing, and the thought of a big plate of watery scrambled eggs could make Guar puke worse than that scene from the Exorcist. Now if you don’t have strawberry milk stocked in your house: 1) your not my friend and never will be, 2) any protein shake is a valid substitution. Well that’s Guars hangover therapy, even though I know no Jammers are going to try this on Thanksgiving morning after partying all night with their high school friends. Strawberry Nesquik for life, Guar out.
There is nothing like a nice hangover. When it comes to the hangover cure you might as well call me Dr. Mantis Tabogen. So this is how it’s done. You start with some protein and by protein I am talking about bacon grease. Fry up between 4 and 24 slices of bacon and then throw away those slices. Take the grease left over and throw it in the blender. Next we have the potassium, bananas and walnuts. These are the main ingredients that will cure the hangover, but we are not done. The next step is to add some nourishment, a half a head of lettuce covered in honey. The final ingredient, and possibly the most important, is the extra thick whole milk. Now mix it all together and there she is. Hang over gone, stomach ache welcome. If this fails just run down the street to your local convenient store and grab a Strawberry Quik.
When you wake up with one shoe on, face down on the floor, with a lamp shade on your genitals, there’s only one cure for the modern day hang over. It’s not just a drink, oh no, it’s a combination of things. One word, two syllables. McDonald’s. OK, maybe 3 syllables, but who’s counting? This is a cure that has gotten me through many a hung over morning/ afternoon. I know they say eating greasy foods won’t help, it’s and old “wive stale”. But a nice quarter pounder with cheese, some fries, and the ace in the hole, a vanilla milkshake. That combo right there will knock the hang over right out of you, while making your head spin. Now, feel free to insert another sandwich and or combo, but grease is the ticket. A golden ticket. Goodnight and god bless.
The best hangover remedy for me is not a liquid, no sir, it is none other than a fat ass burger from the Golden Arches themselves. That’s right, either a big mac or a double quarter pounder with cheese to cure a night of complete and utter detriment to your body and mind. As that greases courses through the alcohol that is still lingering in your stomach, it has an affect like none other. There is no drug, drink, or activity that can instantaneously destroy a massive hangover like a fast food burger. Try it for yourselves if you don’t believe me, doesn’t matter what time it is. Or take a bunch of Vicodin, either way, either ways fine.
Pickle Juice. The fastest and easiest way to get rid of a hangover. It completely destroys any lingering taste of alcohol you have in your mouth and also re-hydrates you at the same time. Pickle juice has 10x the electrolytes than Gatorade has, and you don’t have to drink 32oz. of it either. Just a couple big, hard to get down, challenging swigs from the jar and you should be good to go. It’s got to be sour pickle juice though because that has more vinegar, and from what my alcoholic uncle tells me that’s what does the trick. Listen to me or don’t listen to me, I don’t care. Pickle juice ain’t no joke.