Would you rather be Julian Edelman’s groping hands or Chad Ochocinco?

And the Julian Edelman story rolls on. But today, it’s in a different form and is matched up against the lowly Chad Ochocinco.

Nobody likes the guy who gets too drunk at parties and grabs your girlfriend’s ass. But nobody likes the guy who tells the world non stop that he has landed in “heaven” and has produced close to nothing since. So the all important question for this beautiful Wednesday is this.. Would you rather be Julian Edelman’s hands or Chad Ochocinco? I know the decision is between a body part and a human being, but both are equally disappointing in their own ways. Let’s take a look…

Edelman’s Hands:

Groping a woman without her consent is pretty horrible stuff. Because groping is the cousin to rape. Not only are you neglecting all signs that a girl doesn’t want to talk to you in your drunken stupor, but you also refuse to believe that she isn’t attracted to you when you are wearing a Pirate Costume with mustard stains on your chests while drooling. Sometimes it’s tough to swallow your pride and accept the fact that a girl just doesn’t look for that in a man, especially if you are a professional athlete. So instead of walking away and pretending like YOU just shut down the girl, you give it one more try and sneak in a grab or two. The hands are now the main focal point to the crime. Like the gun that killed Lincoln, the hands are the main piece of evidence in this situation. You are now associated with the term “sexual abuse”, and that’s not the best crime to have on your resume.  It’s equivalent to a bad club sport.

Chad Ochocinco:

Praising Tom Brady and the Patriots is never a bad move for a newcomer. It shows that the player is excited, optimistic, and in Chad’s case, willing to do a 180 degree turn around on his character. Most of that happened so far this season. Ya, pretty much all of it happened. But the one thing that hasn’t happened and doesn’t appear will happen this year is that Chad will not come close to performing as expected. If you ask any Patriots fan who the most disappointing player has been so far this season they would immediately say Chad Ochocinco. They would probably cut your sentence off to let you know. And it’s true. Over the past two weeks, Patriots Offensive Coordinator Bill O’Brien has publicly stated that he wants to see more of second year man Taylor Price. So what does that mean for Chad? Dwindling playing time. Check that, almost zero playing time. So as Chad tries to reassure everyone each week that he is still learning the plays and will start to make an impact soon, think of this. Rob Gronkowski learned the Patriots play book in less time. Rob freakin’ Gronkowski.

Verdict:

Between being a piece of rape evidence or a monster disappointment, I’m going with Chad. Even though I was leaning towards Edelman’s hands, being any where close to the notion of rape isn’t good. So Chad kind of wins by default here.  Tweet that.

 

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