The impossible has happened. No I have no converted to the Mormon religion and no I have not conquered my fear of Daddy Long Leg Spiders, but another team in the MLB has become interested in the ungodly looking Red Sox pitcher John Lackey. For reasons confusing to me and the rest of the world, the San Diego Padres have serious interest in acquiring the “open mouthed” bastard through a trade. Although the Padres do want the Red Sox to “eat” the majority of Lackey’s $82.5 million deal. Even with the Sox paying out the decent portion of Lackey’s contract, what could they possibly get in return for one of the biggest dickheads in Sox team history? Here are a few things to speculate over:
A box of hammer heads:
No no no, not the full hammer but just a box full of hammer heads. The resell value on these things would probably be about $43 bucks. Still, the Sox are getting a steal.
Fifteen Ball-Point pens:
Can you say, hello cursive? The ease of writing with one of these pens will make you want to revert back to your elementary days of practicing cursive. Or in the Red Sox sake, regret using one of these when they signed the stupid banana head Lackey. Still, steal.
A four month supply of bubble packaging wrap:
Shipping something fragile out of state? The Padres have the Red Sox covered in the aspect…for four months. Steal.
Five Hundred red Solo-Cups:
Why waste time in the kitchen loading a dishwasher with glass cups? Thanks Padres, this will be good for the farewell Lackey kegger that he isn’t invited to. Steal.
Ten used party pinatas:
Nothing a little duct tape can’t fix. Or nothing A LOT of duct tape can’t fix. Especially the ones with out heads or legs. Steal.
Fifty packs of black licorice:
By far the worst licorice flavor of all time, but it’s licorice none the less. At least all of the licorice that isn’t eaten will be used to tie up garbage bags around Fenway next year. Steal and a half.