How the Cubs reeled in Theo…

After the Red Sox missed the playoffs this year, there were subtle signs that management was going to clean house.  Somebody had to blamed for the gag-fest that was September, so the first victim that was beheaded was Terry Francona.  Easy selection.  The manager is always the scapegoat whenever a team loses.  But after the first kill, who else on this team was left accountable.  The players? Yes, but also the big dogs in the press boxes.  The shotgun moved from Francona’s dead body to the forehead of Sox GM Theo Epstein.  And like any GM who is about to be blamed for assembling a team of un-coachable childish assholes, he ran.  Promptly.  Washing his hands with the Sox was an easy choice, thus leaving the team in complete turmoil and disarray.  So Chicago is now the best option for Theo.  But were the Cubs trying to pry Theo from the Sox all year?  Here are rumored luring tactics by the Cubs:

– The Cubs reach out to Theo and stress how the lack of pressure and new system will make for a more enjoyable managing experience. They dangle an increased pay and complimentary town house too. Theo becomes interested.

– The Cubs dig deep and discover that Theo’s favorite movie is “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. The movie that was shot in 1986 was filmed in Chicago, with one scene in Wrigley Field. The Cubs offered Theo a complete replica day of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, bringing him to the exact places the character Ferris traveled to in the movie. When offered this, Theo turned it down, and to the befuddlement of the Cubs, oddly wanted to reenact the Principal character Ed Rooney. When the Cubs asked Theo why, he responded quietly with, “I like bossing around teenagers”. The Cubs arranged everything shortly after.

– Theo receives weekly Edible Arrangement’s from the Cubs organization with cards reading, “We Want You 🙂 Love Cubs”.

– The Cubs invited Theo to Chicago for their initial meeting two weeks ago. They set up an elaborate display of Chicago’s renown pizzas in the function room where the meeting was going to take place. On display were deep dish pizzas, thin crust pizzas, a customized pizza making station, etc. When Theo arrived he was taken back by the massive amounts of pizza. Embarrassed and on the urge of collapsing, Theo politely told the Cubs Executives, “I can’t eat gluten”. Everything was thrown in a dumpster and set on fire immediately after the meeting.

– The Cubs try to get the Chicago Bulls in on the “acquiring Theo” scheme so they ask Joakim Noah to chauffeur Theo around town and show him the ropes.  Noah brings Theo to his apartment and they end up getting extremely stoned off  of PCP the entire day.  Throughout the day, Theo repeatedly states  the same phrase “this is the best day of my life.”  Theo agrees to a five year deal the next day.

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