5. Jimmy Johnson
We start off this week’s countdown with a man who not only sports a great head of sterling silver hair, but also has his portfolio so diversified that it would make the owner of any fortune 500 company wet their depends at the thought of trading lives with Jimmy John John. I mean one minute the man could be making outlandish/ borderline mentally challenged comments about the game of football, and the next he could be failing physical’s to be on the show “Survivor.” Regardless, Jimmy was born to whore himself out on T.V. Now back to the point. Jimmy is tolerable as a face of football, but listening to this man is just mind numbing. He’s like that elder uncle you have that is nice, and easy to talk to, but you just feel like you’re becoming dumber by conversing with him. Jimmy means well, but it seems like all of the ExtenZe pills he’s been popping have turned his brains into mashed potatoes. Oh, and while we’re on the topic, can we all agree that it should be in a person’s contract that as long as their doing play-by-play for a major professional sport, that they shouldn’t be allowed to be pitching penis pills in their spare time? Besides the multimillion dollar incentive, I don’t see the benefits.
4. Troy Aikman
I never really had a problem with Aikman when he played, aside from the fact that the Cowboys literally ripped the heart out of the Buffalo Bills every time they played them in the 90’s, but I felt like he had a lot of promise as an analyst for the NFL. Think about it, he’s a quarterback. Their known to be students of the game, have a good grasp of what’s taking place around them, and most have a reading level that surpasses the 5th grade. But listening to Aikman discuss the game every Sunday is almost like listening to a 6 year old girl have a tea party with herself and three of her favorite stuffed animals. The conversation has no direction, and the whole time you just want to kick over the table and smash everything in sight. And what the hell is the deal with his lack of insight on the QB position? The guy played the role for his entire career, but when he speaks, it seems like a group of doctors have just conducted a lobotomy on him. Kind of sad now when you think about it.
3. Rodney Harrison
Rodney makes the list because I hate when people do not act like themselves when they are in front of a camera, and there is no way in hell that Rodney is that polite/nice in real life. I mean, this is a guy that was voted the dirtiest player by his peers in a 2004 Sports Illustrated poll, has had numerous questionable hits over his career, and to be completely honest, was a straight up O.G. when he was roaming the field as a free safety with the Pats. To put it bluntly, the man embodied everything that Denzel Washington stood for in the movie “Training Day”, except he portrayed that onto the football field. But now? He’s all smiles and laughs in the studio. Straight up BS Rodney, and for that, you’re on the list.
2. Chris Berman
Can we all just come out and say it? I know some of us like him, and some of us may even quote him, but is it not fair to say that the blind eye we turn on Chris Berman’s daily antics is somewhat dangerous to not only himself, but also anyone who watches him? Honestly, where do I start with this? Should I discuss the problems that ESPN had with the initial announcing class (which included Berman) in terms of the boys constantly being surrounded by booze, drugs, and hookers, which made them locate their headquarters in Bristol as opposed to New York? Or should I discuss the lack of human regard he has for his interns, as evidence of the video of him berating a female employee? Or should I discuss Berman’s clear lack of creativity, which has had him repeating lines like “Back, Back, Back, Back, Back” and “He could. Go. All. The Way.” No, I’ll opt to not discuss any of these topics, because Berman is a strong supporter, much like myself, of the Buffalo Bills. And counting the two of us, I’d say the entire fan base of the bills is currently maxing out at a grand total of 3,500 people. So, rather than throw him under the bus, I’ll help keep a fellow Bills fan above water and not touch on any of those points.
1. Terry Bradshaw
By far the most insane person on television since Richard Simmons, and by far the most hideous thing to look at/listen to on television since, again, Richard Simmons. Seriously though, is their anyone who takes what Bradshaw has to say on Sunday’s and then thinks to themselves, “Wow, that is a really educated point?”. I mean even the people who signed Terry’s contract have to be watching him on TV every week, slugging a bottle of Whiskey while holding a pistol ready to just end their adult lives in the event that Bradshaw finally snaps and reveals his true southern comfort roots. I get having former players, a.k.a. experts, do the analysis of the sport because they should know what they are talking about. It works for guys like Deion Sanders, Nomar, and Cheryl Miller, but realistically, what the hell does Bradshaw bring to the table? He’s like a drunker, louder version of Jim Carrey’s character of Fire Marshall Bill on “In Living Color.” It’s not only embarrassing to think that foreigners could be watching him and thinking that he is the cream of the crop in our American lexicon of sports analyst, but for anyone waking up from a mid days nap to Bradshaw’s face plastered on the TV set, its just downright frightening.