Although Guar has been on somewhat of a hiatus, I’m back blasting the Jam with some meathead pet peeves that I have noticed in the gym. Guar has been to various gyms, Gold’s, the local JCC, and even the college fitness centers, and have noticed some people I just don’t understand. Usually Guar is a nice guy, but very few things actually get me mad. One, is the jabroni kid that they try to replace Macaulay Culkin with in Home Alone 3. Two, when Ken Griffey Jr. robs Lou Collins of a home run at the end of the movie Little Big League. And three, when people at the gym affect Guar’s workout.
1. Guys in exercising classes
Bro Jammers this one is for you. I understand that you want to meet ladies at the gym, but I’m not sure the Zumba class is the right place to do it. I see the guy’s thought process, “I’ll be in a room with 25 women for about an hour, at least one of them will want me. Yea, I’m the man”. Reality check you are not the man. The class is usually filled with forty year old moms that took the class because they “like the music”. If there are any single women in the class, how do you expect to approach them anyways? After an hour class you are sweaty and out of breath from minor aerobic activity and try to swing a date at the protein shake bar? Just stick to E-Harmony and at least work out if you’re at the gym.
2. Sweaters and Smelly Guy
Everyone knows this guy. After ten minutes on the exercise bike, sweat oozes out of every pore in his body. Even after a small puddle of sweat is forming at the bottom of the machine, he pushes on. At this point this guy can be smelled by everyone in a twelve foot radius and reeks like a burnt onion bagel being boiled in vinegar. After not wiping down the bike, for some reason he needs to walk around the entire gym, doing one set on every machine leaving his stench on everything he touches. You want to ask him to wipe down the machine, but you know he’ll probably do a horrible cleaning, thus repulsing him even more. After seeing and smelling him you lose all motivation to workout and just want to dive into a pool of disinfectant.
Almost all fitness centers have steroid users, however some make it more obvious than others. First, there is the stereotypical user. The 5″8, 245 lb guy loading up all the machines to the max and busting out a set of 25. These guys usually are drinking a protein shake during the workout because who would let their muscles wait for protein? Guar always sees normal guys approaching them asking for workout advice. Wrong move. The answer to how these guys get their calves so big isn’t a secret technique or exercise, its called steroids. These guys probably hate it when you go up and ask for advice anyways because you are either interrupting his set or are in his line of vision to the mirror. But Guar isn’t talking about these types of juiceheads. I’m talking about the kids who take steroids so they can be that guy in the club or bar with a t-shirt that’s two sizes too small to make them look bigger than their smaller friends. Sweet bro, you’re fist pumping harder than everyone in the club and this is definitely an awesome trade off for heart disease down the road. Good luck with that and make sure you grunt extra loud so everyone in the gym knows how awesome you are.
4. The Hot Mom
There is always a hot mom in every gym. Usually hits the gym during prime hours to show everyone how fit she is even after having three kids. Her 15 miles on the elliptical machine aren’t enough, she has to hit the weights too. Her hot physique does comes at a price though. When she is crushing the gym for three hours, her three kids are rotting in the sketchy gym childcare center. The supervisor usually consists of someone who is not qualified at all for watching children, but also has moldy Ferbie and Beanie Baby dolls and Gameboys with no batteries to keep them entertained. Keep rocking that sick bod Hot Mom, because you earned the looks from that creepy guy in your Zumba class.
Guar didn’t mean to call out certain individuals, but I’m just telling you what I see. Keep hitting the gym, take Guar’s advice, and do your best to avoid these people. Guar, out