5. Modesto Nuts
Kicking off our list of ridiculous mascots you’ve probably never heard of are the Modesto Nuts. These guys go by the name Al the Almond, and Wally the Walnut, and don’t get them mixed up, because these are some bad ass nuts. These guys look like Mrs. Piggy from the Muppet’s and Mr. Planter from Planter’s peanuts had a pair of love children that we’re left on the street corner after birth. Sad scenario, I know, but whats even sadder is to think that there are actual, potential MLB players in the minor league system that play for a team named the Nuts.
4. Clammy Sosa
Clammy is listed on the stat line as standing 8 ft 6 inches, while tipping the scale at a weight of 2,109 pounds. His personal bio (yes he has one) states that he “Slurps up and swallows everything in sight.” Kind of a little X-rated if you ask me for a mascot, that’s a clam, to have something like that as its tag line, but I digress. Anyway Clammy became somewhat an Internet sensation last year because of its gimmick in which he appears to eat people during games. There’s something you can tell your grand kids about 50 years from now when they ask about what the game of baseball used to be. In other news, how far from grace has Sammy Sosa fallen when minor league teams are naming giant people-eating clams after your? 13 years ago Sosa was a god of the sport. Now his names sharing the spotlight with an over-sized Mollusk.
This is the former mascot of the former squad from our brethren from the north, the Montreal Expos. Honestly, this seems to be the perfect fit for a mascot of the Expos. He’s big, ambiguous, and after his first unveiling, he was never re-modified or had money put back into him. Aside from the obvious that this should be at the top of every one’s costume list for Halloween next year, there a few things that need to be pointed out. Why couldn’t they give him a hat that fit him? Why didn’t he have a French name like Pierre or Crepe King, you know, since its in Montreal? And whats up with that golf-tee neck he’s got going on there? It’s too bad this mascot was created by the Expos,
he didn’t have a chance from the start.
2. Doala Koala
This Koala mascot is huge in Japan, as it is known for its cute and often clumsy antics that somehow has captivated the fans. But, if there is one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime, its to never trust a mascot, especially a koala mascot. This thing honestly looks like one of those childhood toys that your parents buy you for Christmas as a last minute filler gift. They think you might like it, but then it ends up sitting in the corner of your room, creepily staring at you while you try to sleep at night. Look at that stupid smile on its face. What the hell is it so goddamn happy about? Great gift mom and dad, you can just write me a blank check now so I can payoff the therapist bill when I hit 40.
1. The Crazy Crab
During the baseball era of the 80s, when stirrup socks and mullets were dominating the scene, teams began to adopt mascots as an element of the game that they felt was a necessity to entertain fans. Well the San Francisco Giants took notice of this, and decided to go a different route. Rather than create a fan friendly creature, the Giants unveiled their own anti-mascot, The Crazy Crab. The Crab did everything that a mascot shouldn’t. He rooted openly against the Giants. He bickered with fans. And he also represented the biggest STD in California, which is saying something. The fans grew to love to hate this guy so much though that they began to throw things at the mascot rather than just lob profanities. It got so bad that the suit had to be reinforced with harder material so that the person inside would not be harmed. Eventually, the Crab was retired, but it is believed that one day, he will reemerge from the waters of the bay to haunt the people of San Francisco.