This post was suppose to be posted before the Patriots game Sunday, but since the Jam headquarters lost power over the weekend we were unable to post it. And since I spent a whole 25 minutes on this post and we are hurting for material today, I decided to throw it up on the site anyways. I would have felt like a goddamn buffoon if the Colts won yesterday:
Whenever a great team is charging into the playoffs during the regular season and encounters a lowly competitor on the way, the term “trap game” splurges out of the alcoholic mouths of every ESPN anchor and “analyst”. But when the Patriots play the 0-11 Colts this Sunday, the “t” word will not be heard. Because the Colts are bad. Circus Peanuts bad. Losing an NFL game 62-7 earlier in the year and having Dan Orlovsky as your starting QB is setting the bar at a new unprecedented low. So with that being said, I have conjured up a few things that have a better chance of happening than the lowly Colts coming into Foxboro and beating the Pats on Sunday:
- “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” gets canceled
I consider myself a man. I have hairy legs, I like my woman full, and I eat plenty red meat. But I honestly can’t get enough of the Kardashian clan. If one of them got assassinated, the funeral services would rival the Pope’s. And the previous Pope. Combined. There is just something intoxicating about a family raking in millions because one of them was smart enough to tape themselves having raunchy sex with a C-level rap artist (horrible visibility by the way). The Kardashians have this country by the balls, and the chances of them becoming old news is nearly impossible.
- Black licorice suddenly becomes world’s favorite candy flavor
If somehow the world became victim to the largest CO2 leak of all time and everyone’s senses were shot to hell, black licorice might be making a comeback for the ages. But since the flavor tastes a combo of burning rubber and old butter, chances of this happening are slim.
- Celtics fans forget about Kendrick Perkins
This includes myself, but the Perkins trade will never be forgotten by Celtics fans. Sure at times we hated him because he would drop passes down low or commit a stupid foul at a critical part of a game, but in the eyes of Celtics fans he was a full fledged All-Star. It’s amazing how selective memory works.
- Capri Sun creates an easy way to insert their straws
Never have I ever had a clean insert with a Capri Sun juice box. It takes a minimum of three attempts to get the straw directly into the pouch of juice. And by the time you end up getting the straw into the pouch, your drink is almost done because it’s leaking all over your hands due to the poorly aimed stabs. Horrible engineering on Capri Sun’s part. (by the way, “that’s what she said” phrase could have been used through out this entire paragraph)
- Peyton Manning can check his blind spot while driving
An obvious yet funny cheap shot at Peyton. He has a horrible neck/spine and is unable to fully turn his head. Get it?